Homecoming

I am really excited about writing this post. Mostly because I can sort out my own thoughts, but also to share them with you. And by "you" I mean Molly, Amanda S, Lisa, Steph, Cindy, Emily and Charlotte...otherwise known as the only people (that I know of who read my blog. Ok, enough shout-outs. Today, I find myself remarkably at peace. I'm not going to be one to jump to conclusions about anything, because it's far too early for any of that, but I think that today I took a step...no...a giant leap in the right direction.

For those of you who may not know, I have a confession to make: I haven't been to church since Ash Wednesday. I know what you're thinking...not even on Easter? No. Not even on Easter. Why is this? A variety of reasons: (1) I don't feel community at church. I haven't ever felt that at Newman Hall. It's hard to stay motivated to go every Sunday when no one misses you when you don't show up. (2) Because of my faith struggle, I had great debates every time I went to church about whether or not I should take communion. And then, because I didn't know what to do, I would cry and feel dumb, but thankfully, the 10pm mass is pitch black, and no one could see me cry. (3) I didn't feel like I got anything out of church.

But today, the fact that my roomie was doing the homily gave me a pretty good excuse to suck it up and go to church. I think part of my experience this morning was primed by my going to bible study at First Pres with Lisa. It was a very different experience than I have ever had. There were a LOT of old people there, but their knowledge of scripture was quite impressive, and actually encouraged me to study more, which I intend to do. So, armed with my good morning at bible study, I went to the 11:30am mass at Newman. It started off like a normal mass. Chris even came, which was nice. Amanda had a good talk about the readings, and then it was time for the part of mass that lately I have dreaded: communion.

Chris told me a few days ago that I should make up my mind before going if I was to take communion or not. I thought about it a lot, and decided to take it. I based my decision on a short prayer that we say before communion, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word, and I shall be healed."

That prayer is powerful, because that was exactly what I was feeling - unworthy. And if everyone is unworthy compared to God, then I shouldn't worry about HOW unworthy I feel. I can admit that I'm not worthy, but God still wants me to take communion and be one with Him. So the moment came, and I took it. No big deal. But then I sat down and knelt before God, and within a second, I was weeping. I couldn't help myself; tears just came. Normally, during this time, I thank God for letting me take communion and for all of the wonderful things He does. But this time, I couldn't say anything. It was like I'd been away from home for so long, and I walked in the door and saw my dad and just got a big hug and was welcomed back without saying a word. I tried to start to apologize to God, but he wouldn't let me. He already knew. He quieted my voice and just wanted me to be silent, while he gave me a hug.

I sat there, in broad daylight, and wept. After hearing many sniffles (I hate how crying makes your nose runny!) Chris gave me his handkerchief. I wasn't embarrassed this time. I cried and got my God hug, and felt oddly at peace.

I don't know what is going to happen from here. But I know that I am forgiven, and I know that God does love me and want me. He is happy that I am home.