A Legacy of Honesty

At the end of Spring Semester 2007, I was elected President of ADX for Spring 2008. I remember at elections being asked the question "What do you want your legacy in ADX to be?" And I remember responding about how I want people to look back on how ADX was one of the best experiences of their college career -- how much fun they had with all of these wonderful girls. But as I reflect on this desire, I realize that my semester as President will not be at all devoted to furthering fun in ADX. Don't get me wrong, I'm not cutting out social events or anything, but I have felt the needs of girls in our house and they are not looking for more ways to have fun. Girls in ADX have a sincere desire to grow in their relationship with God. But our girls are not at all in the same places in their walks with Christ, and are feeling the pressure that being in a Christian sorority places on them, and feel the need to pretend that they have fantastic relationships with God. Some do - lots don't, but the important thing here is starting the discussion about weaknesses and struggles so that others are encouraged and feel less alone in their own struggles. Seems easy, right? Well, I certainly wasn't going to be the first one to open up about my faith struggle.

Until tonight.

Tonight was an amazing ADX meeting. Shortly before meeting, I felt like I really needed to start this dialog within ADX. Last week, I took a baby step in this direction and opened up to Excomm about my struggle with knowing God. I really felt like that needed to happen for the entire group, but I was terrified. After sharing, Amanda S mentioned that I should try and bring this to all of ADX. I thought it would be ridiculous to discuss my struggle with everyone, because I thought that Monday meeting wasn't an appropriate venue, and it could result badly. But tonight, as time for meeting grew closer, I thought, there's gotta be a good way that I can do this. So I found a shoe box in my closet, covered it with a paper bag (a la Molly Miller's 'What do you love about ADX?' shoebox), and wrote "hope" quotes from the Bible all over it. I named it the ADX Hope Chest -- kind of ridiculous because we're not going to keep fine china or linens in it in preparation for our weddings, but the name really stood out to me anyway. Then, I cut up a bunch of slips of paper and wrote on one "I hope to know God again."

I brought the box to meeting, and discussed with the girls what was on my mind. I told them about how frustrated I am that we often think everyone in ADX has perfect relationships with God, and therefore we feel bad when we struggle in our own faiths. (Tonight's devo was actually really applicable to what I discussed, because we talked about Elijah's frustration with God, and how God speaks in a soft whisper. What I didn't discuss with the girls is that I can't remember the last time I heard God's whisper. But that's for one-on-one discussion, not an announcement at meeting...) I told them that I have been struggling with my faith for about a year now, and I wanted ADX to be an environment that allows us to talk about our shortcomings. I also talked about an email I got from another ADX chapter president that discussed how on her recent ADX retreat, she spoken openly with her chapter about an eating disorder that she had been struggling with for years. This sparked a lot of positive discussion in her chapter, and other girls admitted to the same struggle. Dialog like that is so important. But I feel like in Christian communities, that's often missing.

I read to them what I had written on my slip of paper and I put it in the Hope Chest. I had each girl take their own slip of paper, and had them write something that they hope for or hope in. It was all anonymous, and I left the box in the fireplace room, so others could look at it throughout the week and pray for those hopes that are in the Hope Chest. After meeting, I read all of the slips of paper, and I felt my heart cry for some of the girls in my house. Girls are struggling with many issues. I hope they will be able to talk about them openly and honestly sometime throughout this semester.

During closing prayer, girls were echoing my desire for more openness and trust and honesty in our relationships together. I was very excited. After meeting, two girls came up to me and gave me big hugs and told me that they have struggled just as much as I have (not wanting to pray, doubting everything, etc). I set up a coffee-date for later this week with one of the girls, and I'm so happy for that. And with the other girl, we both said that if we ever want to talk, then we'd love to listen...but I'm not sure if that will ever pan out. I think that if I want it to, I need to be intentional about setting something up with her. Which I am highly considering.

I was so scared to introduce the Hope Chest tonight. You really risk a lot of credibility when you admit to those who you lead that you are struggling so much, but the reward turned out to be great. Now I just need to follow through with the Hope Chest, and hope that it grows into more than anonymous slips of paper, but into conversations between sisters about intimate things.

If there was ever something to praise God about, this is it.